I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks now that someone invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback. Seriously.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger...
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
I think the world seriously needs a sarcasm font. It's hard to be sarcastic in text.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at a bar. I was really drunk, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Hell, even cats can recognize their own image.
No matter how hard I try, folding a fitted sheet is damn near impossible. It always looks wadded up. how the hell is one supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
|
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to my car to bring my groceries in.
A true friend would come to your house after you die and clean all the porn off your computer, and empty the browser history.
The only time I don't hate stoplights is when I need to check e-mail on my iPhone.
A recent health study linked playing beer pong with the spread of flu, colds, and mono. But only if you suck at it.
I learned to write using cursive in the first grade. Was that really necessary?
LOL used to mean "Laugh Out Loud", but now it means "I want to stop typing, and I have nothing more to say."
I have a hard time telling between being bored, or just hungry.
When I was in school we had those Scantron tests where you're supposed to fill in the bubble with a #2 pencil. I used to get scared to death if I answered three "B" choices in a row. I just knew I had them wrong.
I have a friend that plays minor league baseball for a local team called "The Step Dads". I was confused because none of the guys on the team are actually step-dads. I asked about the name and was told, "Because we beat you, and you hate us."
Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart." I actually hear, "I'm not real smart, I'm imaginary smart."
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love it when a group of cars on the highway team up to prevent an asshole driver from getting ahead of them.
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell a name to a caller and I said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" I know the NATO Phonetic Alphabet, but my recall takes a long time.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
|
|
